Tennis Balls and Cannon Balls

Henry V was a king of England during the Hundred Years War. The war was interrupted by plague, but unfortunately not ended. It was between France and England over a piece of land that the English said belonged them. The French, however, didn't agree, so a war started. King Henry V was the English king who came closest to winning. He decided to find a way to get the land without any more fighting, so he told the French king that it belonged to England by right of inheritance. His great-great-grandmother had been a French princess named Isabella, so he should've inheirited the land. He also demanded the French princess for his wife. The French king, Charles VI, knew he couldn't give the land to Henry, or his daughter, either. If he gave Henry the land, he would be admitting that land belonging to a French princess should go to the princess's children. And if he gave her his daughter, Henry could claim Katherine's children should inheirit all her lands, even if her children were English. Then Henry could claim his wife had a right to all of France!

King Charles sent King Henry a letter, saying the claims were false. The Dauphin, or prince, sent Henry several tennis balls and a message telling him he was acting like a child and to play tennis.
Needless to say, King Henry wasn't thrilled. The famous playwrite, William Shakespeare, wrote a play about this story, entitled Henry V. Here is Shakespeare's version of what the king said. The king probably didn't say quite what Shakespeare said he did, but they call that artistic license (or something like that. You know he wrote Macbeth in a week?)

We are glad the Dauphin is so pleasant with us....
When we have match'd our rackets to these balls
We will in France, by God's grace, play a set
Shall strike his father's crown into the hazard....
And tell the pleasant prince this mock of his
Hath turn'd his balls to gunstones....
....And tell the Dauphin
His jest will savour but of shallow wit
When thousands more weep than did laugh at it.
(Henry V, Act I, scene ii)
For those of you who think that was hard to read and doesn't sound at all like people (human ones, anyway) talking, I'm with you, but they always wrote plays more like poetry than real life talking in his day. If you didn't understand it at all, it basically says that Henry will turn the tennis balls to cannon balls and he's saying he's going to attack France.
Well, attack France King Henry did. And nothing went right. To cut a long story short, he was loosing and France wasn't cutting him any slack. They wouldn't let him retreat and met them at a place called Agincourt. Shakespeare imagined a fabulous speech for him to give in the play. The real one probably wasn't quite like this one.

This day is called the feast of Crispin.
He that outlives this day and comes safe home
Will stand a tiptoe when this day is named
And rouse him at the name of Crispin.
He that shall see this day and live t' old age
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors,
And say "Tomorrow is Saint Crispin."
Then he will strip his sleeve and show his scars
And say "These wounds I had on Crispin's day."
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly remembered.
This story shall the good man teach his son,
And Crispin Crispain shall ne'er go by
From this day to the ending of the world
But we shall in it be remembered:
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother. Be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition .
And gentlemen in England now abed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
(Henry V, scene iii)

If you think that's hard to read, King Henry is telling his men that they are lucky to be fighting. Like I said, this isn't really what King Henry said. It's just what Shakespeare decided to write.

King Henry won the battle of Agincourt. He had far fewer men than the French, but he won anyway. Then King Henry took over a large piece of France, and the French king agreed to let Henry marry his daughter. He also said that when he died, King Henry could be the King of France. Unfortunately, he died two months before Charles VI died.

The Many Wives of Henry VIII

King Henry VIII of England is known for several things. He was the father of Queen Elizabeth I. He was also thought to have composed the tune 'Greensleeves'. Most people know it as 'What Child is This'. The things he is most famous for, however, are his six wives.

King Henry married his first wife, Catherine of Aragon, after his brother, Arthur, who was supposed to marry her, died. Unfortunately, they had to get special permission from the pope to get married since Catherine had been married to his brother. Even more unfortunately, she didn't have any boys during their marriage. She had a daughter named Mary, but no son showed up. King Henry decided that he needed a younger wife and asked the pope to say that his and Catherine's marriage had never been legal. The pope decided not to, as the two had been married for eighteen years. He also had Catherine's nephew telling him not to. This particular pope wasn't the best pope in the world. He was the pope of the reformation, who sold a lot of indulgences and spent a tenth of the papal reserve on his coronation party. He is reported to have said, upon becoming the pope, "Since God has given us the papacy, let's enjoy it!" Somehow, he doesn't strike me as a model pope.


This was the time that Martin Luther was telling everybody that the Catholic Church was wrong, so King Henry decided to break off from the Catholic Church and declare that his marriage had never been legal. He decided to marry a new wife who suited his tastes more. Her name was Ann Boleyn. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have any boys during their short marriage either. She had one little girl named Elizabeth, who later became Queen Elizabeth I. Henry became disenchanted with her and had her head chopped off, claiming she had been unfaithful. In all she was queen for a thousand days. (Her daughter was proclaimed illegitimate, as Mary had been.) After her, King Henry married Jane Seymour, who gave him a son, whom he named Edward. His wife died shortly after the baby was born. As if he needed to be unkind to yet another wife, he had painters from all over Europe paint pictures of princesses he could marry. He decided on Ann of Cleaves. As soon as he set eyes on her, though, he realized the artist wasn't too good at drawing realistically. He said that she resembled a horse, but married her anyway. He didn't want to anger her relatives. He divorced her later, though. What was she expecting, anyway? You'd think she would've been smart enough to avoid him after the demise of his other wives.


The next wife was Catherine Howard. The king married her three weeks after divorcing Ann, who wasn't heart broken to have been divorced. The king was extremely fat and much older. Of course, Catherine Howard met a nasty end too. She was executed, like Ann Boleyn. She had invited former boyfriends to the king's castle. Then came the last wife, Catherine Parr. She probably only lived because her husband was an old king when she married. She nursed him when he was ill and was good to his children. She convinced the king to pronounce his daughters legitimate, although Edward would remain heir to the throne. She outlived him. His son didn't live for long, and never married. Ironically, the king's daughters, whose mothers he had both been unkind to, became two of the most famous queens in England's history. The oldest, Mary, is known as Bloody Mary. She killed many Protestants while trying to make people to become Catholics. Elizabeth, on the other hand, was known for her fairness, and is remembered as one of the greatest queens in history. All in all, I'd say King Henry's youngest daughter was a better ruler than he was.

The Spanish Inquisition

The Spanish Inquisition is a universal insult against Christianity. It was an evil organization used to persecute Jews and anyone who didn't agree with the Catholic faith. It was headed up by Tomas de Torquemada, a monk who wanted to purify Christianity in Spain.

Jews are people who follow the teachings of Moses and the Hebrew prophets, which were given by God. Some believe Jesus Christ was the Messiah, but some do not. Jews have been, for centuries, the scapegoats for everything. Jews were blamed for Germany's problems during the world wars. Many were killed during World War Two for being Jewish. Jews were blamed for the Black Plague, which killed a third of Europe's population. They have been blamed for poisoning wells and killing children (who hadn't even been missing in the first place.) These stories are lies, designed to hurt a nation.

Torquemada was the confessor to Queen Isabella, meaning she told him her sins and he told her how to atone for them. It is said that when she was young, he made her promise to purify the Church if she could. During the first years of her reign, the Queen wasn't interested in it. She was already busy with trying to establish her rule. But eventually, she decided to purify the Church. It is one of the few blots on her name, and it is one of the worst she could have ever created.

Earlier in Spain's history, many Jews had been forced to convert to Christianity. They were called conversos. They were accused by the Inquisition to still secretly be Jews. Some of them were, while others were 100% Christians. The Inquisition weren't allowed to touch Jews, but conversos were a whole other matter. Neighbors spied on each other, some out of fear, some out of love for their religion, some out of dislike for their neighbors. One man was so zealous that he climbed onto his roof and checked to make sure all his neighbors had fires burning on Friday, which was when Jews couldn't light fires because it was the Sabbath and they couldn't work. When someone was arrested, they would be put in a jail cell for weeks. Three times, someone would come and ask them to confess. This was difficult, especially since they didn't know what they'd been accused of. Finally, they would be interrogated. If they were able to guess what they'd done wrong, they wouldn't be punished. But for those who couldn't guess it right, they would be tortured until they confessed, or got it right. Many innocent people were tortured for something they hadn't done. If they were really unfortunate, though, they would be burned at the stake. Sometimes, the Inquisition would be merciful and the person would be strangled to dead before they were burned. There is no evidence that Queen Isabella ever attended one of these burnings. Perhaps, if she had, she might have stopped the Inquisition.

Eventually, the Inquisition went after the Jews. But instead of killing them, the Inquisition forced them to leave Spain. Many people lost their homes because of a man who wanted to purify the church he claimed to represent. Despite the fact he claimed to represent the Church, he wasn't really obeying God's commands. God said to love our enemies, not set them on fire, torture them or treat them cruelly. Maybe Torqumada should have read his bible a little more often. He might have seen the verse that said "Treat others as you would like to be treated".

Still, many Jews were killed. Several were accused of crucifying a child and cutting out its heart, then mixing it with a communion wafer to make a magic potion that make Christians go mad and die. Does that sound positively ridiculous, or is it just me? Also, no Christian child had been reported missing recently. Still, eight people were killed because of this.

Toward the end of his life, Torquemada could survey a land filled with only Christians. He lived to a ripe old age, although he had many enemies. He died in 1498. However, the Inquisition was only ended in 1834 although few people were executed anymore. In 1836, a mob gathered and scattered his bones in the dirt of the graveyard where he was buried. I find that satisfying. Hopefully, the bones of Tomas de Torquemada, murderer of thousands of innocent people, still lie unfound.

Feudal Warfare

What do most people think of when they think of the Middle Ages? Knights? One of the most famous components of the Middle Ages is the knights. One thing to remember about them is that feudal warfare wasn't very lethal. At one battle five hundred knights fought, and only one was killed. Everyone felt bad about that.



A key part of war during Medieval times was the feudal system. The kings were at the top of it. Underneath him were the knights. They swore their allegiance to him, and fought for him for a certain amount of time each year. In return, he gave them land and peasants to work it with. The knights were rich. You had to be. The armor was very expensive. It was very protective, too. It was sometimes made to look like clothing. Some German armor looks like pleated fabric. Swords were indispensable. They took a long time to make. Good swords were highly prized, while the very best ones were passed down through the generations. There were many different styles of swords, due to the changes of the styles of armor. Attacking through chainmail required a sword which was about three feet long and double edged, with a steep point. Attacking through plate armor depended on being able to stab through chinks in the armor, so swords had sharp, sloping points.

Another thing that affected war was the idea of ransom. It was customary to not try to kill your enemy, but instead to capture him. A dead man was a dead man, who would not be useful to you at all. But captives could be ransomed, which could bring in a lot of money. At first, it was customary to lock up captives in a dusty dungeon. This however, wasn't much fun for the captive, who was likely to be the captor next time, so prisoners were eventually treated like honored guests. It was customary to accept a relative of the captive in exchange for the man's freedom so he could go collect the money for his ransom. One man actually returned to prison because he couldn't raise his ransom.

Well, that's all for now!

How to Die Young in the Middle Ages

If food in the Middle Ages was deadly, I shudder to think of what the medicine was. The Arab doctors were all right. They were having their golden ages when the Europeans were having their dark ages. Arab doctors treated things with similar treatments to what we use today. One particularly terrible doctor from Europe used to treat lung infections by taking the brain out of the skull and rubbing it with salt. That didn't cure the patient. In fact, it probably gave them more sodium than they needed per day. (:

The medicines were fairly unpleasant. The cure for a stuffed up nose was to stuff mustard and onions up the nose. For bruises, they would apply a bandage of bacon fat and flour. That couldn't have been too bad, but then again, I've never tried it. Fainting was treated by having the sufferer inhale the smoke of burning feathers. Nowadays we don't recommend this. Ginger was used to treat loss of memory. I don't suggest you try this. Some spices, like nutmeg, are poisonous in large doses.

These cures were for simple things, at a time when the black plague was going around. The doctors weren't even close when it came to treating that! Some remedies included sitting in a sewer, drinking ten-year-old treacle, and eating arsenic powder. The powder would have killed you anyway. It's highly poisonous. One particualrly dumb cure was to walk from town to town beating yourself. I don't think that was such a great idea. It's very painful.

Be glad you don't live in the Middle Ages. You would probably have died from plague or cures for your sore throat long ago.

Foul Food

Food during the Middle Ages was deadly. You could die from drinking a glass of water. Bread was often stretched with sand or cobwebs. The cabbages were so tough you had to boil them all day to make soup. The church did not allow people to eat meat on Fridays, only fish. This is still true for Catholics. Unfortunately, in the Middle Ages, people cheated. They ate large birds called bustards. They also ate beavers, because they could be a sort of fish. (Actually not.) Sugar in the Middle Ages was only for the rich, who ate so much their teeth fell out. (In truth, sugar does not rot your teeth. It's bacteria on the sugar.) Rose flavoring was popular.

The church was not strict when it came alcohol, however. They ran taverns themselves, and used the money to pay for church repairs. Of course, it wasn't really all that nice. Ale was so thick it was like soup. (One king had his brother drowned in a barrel of wine. Ug.) Ale was actually safer than water, so a lot of people drank it.

Well that's all for now. Just be glad you don't live in the Middle Ages!(Or that your mother doesn't stretch her flour with cobwebs.)

Being a Woman in the Middle Ages

People have this idea that women in the Middle Ages were weak, delicate, damsels in distress, etc. Yeah, right. The women worked hard, just as hard as the men. They were also considered less important than men. A woman's "duty" was to get married, have kids, be a loving wife, and help her husband even if he abused and beat her. If they wanted to remain single, they could be nuns or midwives. If they lived in town they could run businesses, though. Women could also be artists, writers, or tradeswomen. Peasant women worked alongside their husbands, although they did different jobs. She sewed, wove, cooked, cleaned, and took care of the children. She also had to have more children to take care of. This was dangerous because the midwives had no concept of hygeine. Twenty percent of the women who died in 1424 (between the ages of twenty-five and thirty) died in childbirth. Most of them had bled to death or suffered infection. According to many religious books, children were nothing but a bother. Having them ruined your figure, you had to clean up after them, etc. These arguments were used to try to get women to become nuns, which you usually couldn't become unless you had money.(You had to pay to be a nun, because nuns were the brides of heaven, and you had to give a substantial dowry.)

Being a Kid in the Middle Ages

Being a child in the Middle Ages would not have been much fun. First, you probably wouldn't have lived too long. Only one child in ten lived to their tenth birthday. The food in the Middle Ages was so bad you could die from drinking a glass of water. It was poor nutrition that killed the kids.(Of course, the sand in their bread might have helped a little.) Children were also more susceptible to the plague. Unfortunately, the priests blamed the children, saying it was because the children occasionally skipped church or disliked their parents.(Why did adults get the plague then, if God was punishing the kids?) Some parents who were beggars would break their children's limbs to help gain sympathy. People would give generously to beggars with twisted, suffering children. It was considered wrong to be too kind to children. One boy would greet his father with, "My right reverent and worshipful father, I praise your good fatherhood in the most humble way possible and humbly beg your good fatherhood for my daily blessing." That might get a little old after a while.(But if you're planning to ask for an increase in your allowance, go ahead. It can't hurt!) And these above treatments were for boys. Girls were forbidden to swear (which I do have to agree with) jerk their shoulders around, or laugh too loud. A poem said that if girls were disobedient they should be whipped. And if you survived long enough, you had to attend school.

Some of the things about school weren't so bad. You didn't have to go if you were a girl. It was thought girls who could write would spend too much time writing love letters. They didn't give out homework, and there was no such thing as a poor speller - you could spell things any way you wanted to.(Or should I say "Anny wae u wantd too"?) But school was, in most ways worse. If you made a mistake, you were beaten. If you knew Latin, you had to speak it. Every word of a different language would earn you a lash. The rules were mostly the same, except for a few things about being punished for ripping up your schoolmate's pillow or throwing the school into disorder.

Well, that's all for now. Be glad you didn't grow up in the Middle Ages!